The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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