Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
