The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
