I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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