Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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