Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
