My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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