I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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