My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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