My room smells like vodka and shame
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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