i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had to cum in my sink.
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