she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
