Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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