three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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