hotel room ftw
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
