i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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