never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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