Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
