i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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