So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
