Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
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Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize