I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
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Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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