How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
