why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
