You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
