I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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