Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
