so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
