i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Welp...herpes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
They have beer where we have blood.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
