im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
