I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
