I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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