you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
