She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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