I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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