Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
