I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
