you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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