My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
