Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Randomize
