hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
