I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
