She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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