Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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