it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
