i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So. Much. Porn.
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