Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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