11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
