You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
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Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
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Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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