i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize