Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
