so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
