I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
