She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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