I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize