She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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